6 Tips You Are Going To Need Very Soon

Ah, Christmas family gatherings. A time of joy, laughter, and desperately trying to survive dinner without the apocalypse taking place at the table. Fear not, for I have compiled a foolproof guide to help you navigate these treacherous waters with the grace of a reindeer on ice.

1. The Art of Selective Hearing: As you find yourself in the midst of the annual debate on politics, religion, or why your career as a professional yodeler isn’t “a real job,” remember the art of selective hearing. This skill is crucial for maintaining your sanity. Nod and smile at appropriate intervals, and if in doubt, just laugh and say, “You’re absolutely right!”

2. The Escape Artist: (I’m really good at this) Develop a set of urgent-sounding excuses to escape any conversation that’s heading south faster than Santa’s sleigh. Then bug out of the area as fast as you can.

3. Mastering the Fake Smile: When Aunt Kim gifts you another horrendous awkward gift, smile like it’s the best thing you’ve ever seen. Practice in the mirror if you must; the goal is to look thrilled, not constipated.

4. Hide-and-Seek Champion: Find the best hiding spots for a quick breather. The attic, behind large potted plants, or even under the table (just blame it on searching for a lost fork). Typically, I start a bonfire, get it hot, and sit there. The most annoying people in my family hate the cold and stay inside. But I gotta tend the fire so unfortunately I must stay outside.

5. The Buffet is Your Best Friend: When in doubt, eat. No one can ask you about your love life or job prospects when your mouth is full of gingerbread.

6. The Perfect Departure: Finally, have your escape plan ready. A well-timed “Oh look at the time, I must go feed my neighbor’s cat!” works wonders. Exit with the same enthusiasm as if you’re off to see a long-lost friend (which, in a way, you are – your couch).

Remember, it’s all about survival. Armed with these tips, you’re ready to tackle any Christmas family gathering. May the odds be ever in your favor, and may your holidays be merry, bright, and slightly less awkward than last year.

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